I don't usually use my blog to vent but today is one of those times I'm not sure where else to go but I think it might be cathartic.
It's days like today that I wish I had a close family.
Keith is travelling like crazy and I know he's stressed about it because he doesn't like to be away from home this much. I'm stressed about it because when he's gone, I'm on full time. Work has been so stressful for him with travel and non stop demands that he's wound so tightly and it's affecting our time together. I don't want him gone all the time because I miss him and it's hard being on non stop with the house and kids but at the same time it's been unenjoyable having him around lately. He complains about not having enough time to do anything, works from home most of the time he's here, or is so short tempered that it's not worth trying to communicate. We went through this once before, when we lived in WV, and it's better this time since I actually have friends here and don't have a newborn baby, but it still stinks! I'm trying to be supportive and roll with it because I do sympathize and I know it will pass (I HOPE anyway!) but it's wearing me down too. Keith is so wrapped up in his pity party for himself that he can't see how hard it is on me too, and I'm so busy faking it so I don't add to his stress that I can't ask for help.
This time around with him being gone, Lydia and I are both sick AND Lydia has a broken arm which is making it extra special! I'm so on edge that the little things are starting to really upset me. I've been sick all weekend but wanted to make a nice home cooked meal for Keith before he left on Sunday so we had a pot roast and family dinner. I spent the next day irritated because the kitchen was a mess and I'm on single mom duty again. I finally got the kitchen cleaned but the rest of the house is messy and I don't feel good! UGH!
Now Lydia has a cast on her arm and is whining like it's a contest. My allergies are killing me and allergy meds are the biggest joke I've seen. On top of that, my back is starting to hurt again and really never got back to normal after the muscle spasms, then Hadley brings home this stupid project from school and 45 minutes of homework. She's also having teacher problems and is starting to hate school, and I had such a bad attitude about it all last night that I've probably sealed the deal. I'm really mad that this teacher is jading my daughters beautiful spirit, but I have such a chip on my shoulder right now I'm reluctant to step in for fear of making it worse!
It's times like this that I idealize having a close extended family. I feel like this would be the time that if I had a close relationship with my family they would swoop in and save the day. This would be the ideal time for family to show up and offer to take the kids home for a couple of hours and help Hadley do her project, or it would be great if they would swing by and clean the kitchen, or it would be nice if a grandpa would take Hadley to the driving range for a few minutes of golf because mommy can't and daddy is too busy. Unfortunately, I don't have that type of relationship with my family and even if Keith does, his family is too far away and too busy.
So, here I sit, blogging about it, near tears, and vowing that I'll be that person for my daughters. There will be no agenda, or judgement, only unconditional love. If I see my daughters going through difficulties in their families I will drop everything and do anything they need. They won't have to pretend everything is okay from fear of my ever present judgement, they won't be told that I'm too busy with my own life to help them, they won't ever have to worry about rejection from me. I promise that I will do as much as they will allow me to do for them and they will never owe me anything for it and I will never hang it over their heads.
In the meantime, I'm praying that this too shall pass (quickly) and we will all come out of it stronger and healthier! I love my husband and I pray that he remains successful but can slow down a little and enjoy life, I pray that God gives Hadley strength and perseverance in school and that her teacher starts building up instead of breaking down little kids, I pray that Lydia's arm heals quickly and perfectly, and I pray that my back is healed and these stinking allergies go away!
And when I look back at that prayer and realize that those are the things that have me down, I know how blessed I am! It could be so much worse and if these are the things that make me weak, I am one of the lucky ones. God is good!