Trust is really hard for me. I won't go into all of my reasons why, but I struggle with it. I pray because I have complete faith in God, I know he's listening. What I don't have, is trust that he'll give me what I pray for. I know God can say no and I typically expect it. I don't trust that he is looking out for me too.
I often joke and say that I never pray for virtues because they have lessons attached to them and lessons are hard. I prefer answers to come to me the easy way. Cancer is teaching me virtues!
I've also said I don't like signs, I'm slow to pick up on signs. Just a few days prior to my cancer diagnosis I told one of my best friends that I don't want signs, I want lightening bolts! Cancer is a lightening bolt!
Anyone who read my last blog probably noticed that I was on the edge of something...a breakdown perhaps? After I wrote that blog I prayed until I was blue in the face. Okay, maybe not blue in the face, but seriously there was hard core praying going on! At the end of it, God spoke to me. I don't mean I heard a booming majestic voice from above, but the holy spirit tugged at my heart pretty intensely until I GOT it!
God told me, "you CAN trust me, I will take this cancer from you, trust that my answer is YES."
As paranoid as this sounds, cancer has always been my biggest phobia. I've never admitted that to anyone, but I used to pray that I would never get cancer because I see it as a death sentence. Even though I know many cancer survivors and my grandma, who I talk about all the time, was a cancer survivor, it was terrifying!
I know God is using this situation to show me that I can trust Him. I can fully leave my cares at the cross. I can believe that there is purpose and He is in control. When I pray about things like immunizing Kip, I can fully trust that God has it. He took cancer from my body. I was faced with my biggest fear and i begged God to take it on and He did. I know He WILL protect my babies and my decisions. I have no doubt now.
When I shared this revelation with Joy Beth, she kindly reminded me, "Well, you asked for lightening bolts!"
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.