Tonight is one of the hard nights. The emotions are overwhelming. Im laying in bed reflecting on the last couple of weeks and I'm struggling to process everything.
People keep asking me how my faith is doing. I guess it's normal to feel abandoned by God in times like this, but I really don't. I feel angry at God and I wish I had some understanding and peace but I don't think God has left me.
I'm praying as much or more than ever and I believe that God is listening. I believe that everything happens for a reason and God uses everything for the best outcome. God never promised that our days would be easy.
Right now I pray that God can help me calm down. I'm freaking out. I look at this incision on my leg and it scares me to know that it's going to be there forever. People will see it and ask what it's from and I will have to relive the worst time of my life over and over. It's horrible looking and it's scary and it's forever.
I also can't help but think that every ache or pain is going to be a new new tumor. Despite being told that there's almost no chance of recurrence I can't help but think, there was almost no chance of this diagnosis in the first place. Odds aren't exactly working in my favor these days so they aren't bringing me much comfort.
I love Keith so much and I'm aching knowing how much I've complicated his life. Of course he hasn't complained and he's made the best of it, thats the kind of person he is, but I'm not stupid. I know he works a stressful job and now has to come home and run the house and take care of his useless, emotional wife.
I just wish we could go back to the time before this happened, when the worst thing we were dealing with was having keith's car broken into. I remember that night, I felt so bad for Keith having to deal with the headaches of that. I'd give anything to have our biggest problem to be having his work stuff stolen.
I know our lives can go on and be amazing but I'm so scared right now. I spend all day, every day for the past week in my bedroom because it hurts too much to do much else. Every time I try to do something besides lay in bed, I end up crying in pain or taking the stupid pain pills again so it doesn't hurt so much.
I have great people who try to come by and cheer me up and sometimes I pretend to be asleep because it's easier than talking and pretending everything is going to be okay. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be okay. I'm tired of crying to people and I'm even more tired of trying not to say "cancer" in front of people.
Everyone squirms when you say cancer. I try to be blatant about it and take some of the power from that horrible word. I joke about it and I am crass with it because I don't want to cringe every time I hear it for the rest of my life, I am going to be hearing it a lot and I can't crumble each time. Unfortunately every time I use it, I see my friends get visibly uncomfortable, so I have to reel it in a little.
I love my family so much and I desperately want things to go on as normal but I am struggling to figure out how to make that happen.
It's been two weeks and God hasn't left us once so I know that there will come a time when this is just a memory but I don't know how far away that time is. In the meantime I will probably have these moments of paralyzing fear and overwhelming anxiety but God will get me though these too.