I expose a lot of things about myself and my family and friends on this blog for fun and catharsis, but I rarely expose things where I'm genuinely vulnerable. I don't deal well with expressed emotion. I don't like for others to see my weaknesses and, if I'm being honest, I'm more comfortable not seeing theirs either. It's a rare occasion when I show a lot of emotion. I'm good at being fun, and I'm okay at being supportive, and I'm awesome at adding humor to an uncomfortable situation, but I suck at being vulnerable.
Not too long ago, I had a friend bare their soul to me and I was visually uncomfortable! This is a friend that I love dearly, and I knew they were hurting and needed to share these feelings, but I couldn't hold it together. I was hot and I had to turn the AC down and I was miserable, then finally at one point I cracked! My friend sat on my couch crying with sincerity and all I could do was make an inappropriate joke to MAKE IT STOP! Keith laughed at me and told our mutual friend, "my wife can be such a guy sometimes..."
Just because I'm not good at expressing my feelings doesn't mean they aren't there. I love deeply and there isn't much I wouldn't do for a dear friend. I cry when they cry, I hurt when people I love hurt, I am fiercely loyal, and I will keep a secret until I die. I really do try to be a good friend, but if my friends need a touchy feely emotional person, I can't be that. Occasionally I will send a text message or an email or even a card telling my friends how much I appreciate them, because I do and I LOVE them dearly, but I am nearly incapable of being emotional in front of people.
I think all of this stems from my, near paralyzing, fear of abandonment and betrayal. I won't go into details on my blog because I write for catharsis, I don't write for revenge and I would never want to hurt anyone just because I felt betrayed or abandoned, but I have my scars just like anyone else.
A recent disagreement with someone in my life has opened up a lot of old wounds and I'm struggling to work through them. I have developed this defense of not letting people in. When people get too close, I start to find flaws or excuses to pull away from them. I've done this to some good people, and people that I wish I could be friends with, but I can't. I can't make myself trust people not to hurt me. I crave friendships, I long for a close girlfriend, and I wish Keith and I could have a close couple that we were friends with but I road block it every time. I'm trying to heal, but each time I start feeling more confident it seems something happens to slide back into the memories of why I became this way to begin with.
I act like things don't bother me, and I let a lot of things roll off of me, but when someone makes me feel inadequate I shut down. I know this isn't the way to overcome these problems but it's the way I deal with them. We each have our own way of dealing with things, and that is mine. It does force me to rely on God more, so that's a beautiful thing. I can be vulnerable with God, and I know he will love me anyway, and I am thankful for that!