Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Someday This WIll Make A Great Story!

For the last several years I haven't really had an opportunity to celebrate my birthday.  I've either had company events for Keith's job, or been pregnant or had babies.  This year I decided to do it up right, I planned a great night out with friends at a local bar that I love to see a great band!  I invited several friends and about 15 of us were going to go celebrate. 

Three years later, I can finally tell the rest of the story...

A week before the party, I found out I was pregnant (again!)!  Needless to say, plans changed for me, drastically and quickly.  Because I was only a few weeks pregnant, I didn't want to share with anyone so I was trying to keep it a secret.  I told a couple friends so they could help me conceal it. 

The night of the party, we all arrived and everyone thought it would be nice to buy the birthday girl friend Jeff, took on the task of finishing them for me so no one would be suspicious.  We also bribed the waitress to keep sprite with cherries coming my way!  And she was a genius, right Jeff!  First thing she did was March up to the table and say "you don't want any alcohol right?  You're pregnant?" Fortunately no on heard, except Jeff, Keith, and me!  

We partied till the bar closed and quite a few of my friends were in no condition to drive, but guess who was?!?  Yep!  ME!  I loaded up the prius full of my party happy friends and deposited them all safely at their doorsteps.  One friend slurred to me, "it's so nice that you drove us all home on YOUR birthday!"  Yep, I'm a giver!  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a lush, but I'd prefer not to be the designated driver on my birthday! 

So, here we are again approaching my birthday, and I'm trying to plan something fun!  I'll be 35 this year, and I can't wait to see how the party will turn out!  I'm hoping for an epic do over. 

When we were laughing about this with friends, Keith said "Someday this will make a GREAT story!" 

I Don't Know What a Bon Bon Is and My Soap Was Cancelled!

When the superbowl was in Indy we went out with some of Keith's client's to a super bowl party, it was super fun! I'm fortunate to be good friends with one of the client's wives so it makes every outing fun, but last night was a party full of NFL players and scantily clad women hoping to land one of the said NFL players. Even if I'm not a football fan, the people watching was superb! I also got to meet Curtis Painter, who I think is ADORABLE! Bonus!

With that said, I got to meet some interesting people and had some great conversations!

At one point, I was able to spend an extended part of the evening discussing end of life care with the CIO of a local hospital. First, I really liked what he had to say. Second, he was a super nice guy! I grew up in a nursing home and have very strong opinions about how we treat our elderly and about end of life care. It's rare I find someone who's opinion aligns with mine so strongly, but this man's did and I appreciate that.

Anyway, the next morning Keith got a call from one of his coworkers and the comment was made that this particular gentleman was impressed that I could hold my own with some of the "big guys." I feel very certain he meant this as a compliment. That doesn't change the fact that I'm pretty sure his reaction was partially because I'm a stay at home mom.

Yes, I deal with toddlers and snotty noses all day. Yes, there are days when my conversations never rise above the latest Dora episode or the life of a third grader. Yes, there are days I don't get out of my pajamas and I eat peanut butter straight from the jar.  Don't judge me!

Surprisingly enough, there are also days (probably MORE of these) that I spend reading the news, catching up on current events-especially politics, and engulfing myself in knowledge. I owe it to myself and my children to be informed and intelligent. I can't raise empowered daughters if all I do is sit at home watching tv and eating bon bons. .

So, yes, I can hold my own in most conversations and I'll even surprise you in a few. I can tell you a conservative political view in a split second and can begrudgingly admit to knowing the liberal sides to most. I can quote great world leaders and a few poets. I use big words and actually know what they mean. I can talk about the state of the economy, or healthcare, or education. I'll admit to not knowing anything substantial about right to work or unions, global warming, or Obama.

With that said, I need to clear up something...
I don't even know what a bon bon is and they cancelled my soap opera so I do have a life!

Emotions, Pain, & Vulnerability...Oh My!

I expose a lot of things about myself and my family and friends on this blog for fun and catharsis, but I rarely expose things where I'm genuinely vulnerable.  I don't deal well with expressed emotion.  I don't like for others to see my weaknesses and, if I'm being honest, I'm more comfortable not seeing theirs either.  It's a rare occasion when I show a lot of emotion.  I'm good at being fun, and I'm okay at being supportive, and I'm awesome at adding humor to an uncomfortable situation, but I suck at being vulnerable. 

Not too long ago, I had a friend bare their soul to me and I was visually uncomfortable!  This is a friend that I love dearly, and I knew they were hurting and needed to share these feelings, but I couldn't hold it together.  I was hot and I had to turn the AC down and I was miserable, then finally at one point I cracked!  My friend sat on my couch crying with sincerity and all I could do was make an inappropriate joke to MAKE IT STOP!  Keith laughed at me and told our mutual friend, "my wife can be such a guy sometimes..." 

Just because I'm not good at expressing my feelings doesn't mean they aren't there.  I love deeply and there isn't much I wouldn't do for a dear friend.  I cry when they cry, I hurt when people I love hurt, I am fiercely loyal, and I will keep a secret until I die.  I really do try to be a good friend, but if my friends need a touchy feely emotional person, I can't be that.  Occasionally I will send a text message or an email or even a card telling my friends how much I appreciate them, because I do and I LOVE them dearly, but I am nearly incapable of being emotional in front of people.

I think all of this stems from my, near paralyzing, fear of abandonment and betrayal.  I won't go into details on my blog because I write for catharsis, I don't write for revenge and I would never want to hurt anyone just because I felt betrayed or abandoned, but I have my scars just like anyone else.

A recent disagreement with someone in my life has opened up a lot of old wounds and I'm struggling to work through them.  I have developed this defense of not letting people in.  When people get too close, I start to find flaws or excuses to pull away from them.  I've done this to some good people, and people that I wish I could be friends with, but I can't.  I can't make myself trust people not to hurt me.  I crave friendships, I long for a close girlfriend, and I wish Keith and I could have a close couple that we were friends with but I road block it every time.  I'm trying to heal, but each time I start feeling more confident it seems something happens to slide back into the memories of why I became this way to begin with.

I act like things don't bother me, and I let a lot of things roll off of me, but when someone makes me feel inadequate I shut down. I know this isn't the way to overcome these problems but it's the way I deal with them.  We each have our own way of dealing with things, and that is mine.  It does force me to rely on God more, so that's a beautiful thing.  I can be vulnerable with God, and I know he will love me anyway, and I am thankful for that!