I have a rough draft written about last night's Duke Energy meeting but before I publish it I'm trying to figure out how to edit the venom and profanity. (This is a Christian based blog, after all.) I'm bitter, it's no secret, I'm angry, I'm trying to deal with it, and I'm disappointed and hurt, which is what I'm going to write about in this post.
I have been a big supporter of our local mayor. I haven't always agreed with him, but I've defended him in conversations and online and I had faith that he was truly doing the best job he could do and that he was meant for this job. I think that a leader should be a good family person and a Godly person first and a politician last, and that's what I believed our mayor to be. I've read and heard the reports that he's been caught lying and creative budgeting but I truly thought that was a man getting caught being a man and not a politician being caught in a politician's cover up. I take everything in the media with a grain of salt and there are a lot of people who would like to see Carmel fall so any attacks on the mayor, I believed to be an attack because of Carmel's status.
I've always sort of believed the city council to be a group of power hungry, social climbers, with no real talent or skills. I worked for the government (not in Carmel) and our city council was made up of just that. A bunch of talking heads, who were nicely dressed, with no authority and zero ability. That was my experience, I may be wrong and I believe that some (probably very few) city council members are people who want to make a difference but my general opinion isn't that one. So, when I emailed my city council person I didn't have great expectations and I got even less than I expected. Ironically enough, since the bar was set so low, I was surprised. I emailed and got and got a pretty snotty reply telling me that I had no leverage and no one does, against Duke. (I'm calling BS, but I'll get to that later!) I was also advised to keep a level head, even though the email was particularly calm (promise it's true!). Lastly, I was then told how this particular council person and the mayor had used their "good working relationship" to persuade Duke to make some changes because a neighborhood down the road asked them for help. (A large, very expensive neighborhood...hmmm).
I'd like to be clear that all I was asking my local government to help me do was have Duke adhere to the letter they released with THEIR plans clearly explained in black and white. I am not, and have not been asking them to make changes, I haven't asked them to stop, I haven't asked anything other than to follow through and be accountable for what they said. I asked them to stop making excuses on why the letter was completely different than their plans. I asked them to TELL THE TRUTH. I asked nothing more than I ask of my children, family, and friends. I asked our officials for nothing other than to help hold Duke accountable.
Last night, my very intuitive eight year old, Hadley, asked why I had been crying. She's scared with all of the changes that have been going on and this thing with Duke isn't making it better on any of us. She's created her own worst case scenario and has fears that I can't calm.
"Are you okay now mommy?" She asked.
"I'm okay sweetie...you know this pregnancy makes me crazy!" (I'm shameless when it comes to this pregnancy and the things I blame on it!)
"Why were you crying? I knew you were crying when I came in."
"It's okay, honey, I just get overwhelmed sometimes and cry" I told her.
"Is it because it's going to be dangerous to have that power pole so close to my bedroom? Are you scared a drunk driver will hit it into my room?"
"Umm...no, that's not exactly what I was crying about."
"Well, that's what scares me. It's my biggest fear" She tearfully tells me. It's comments like that, that break my heart and make the momma bear want to claw someone's eyeballs out!
"Well sweetie, that's not going to happen. Mommy and Daddy will always keep you safe" (we hope)
"Then why were you crying?" she pushed.
"I promised you I'd always tell the truth, so here it is. I was crying because I'm so sad that our world is driven by money and not people. I was crying because I saw what the tree trimmers did on 116th st. and I'm sure that's what they'll do here. I was crying because I hate when bullies win. I was crying because my local government let me down. It hurts when you trust and support someone and they betray you. And, most of all I was crying because daddy worked so hard to buy us this house and Duke has taken a piece of the joy out of it, while our mayor and city council watched and did nothing. My feelings are hurt because I feel like a lot of people who should care don't."
Then, Hadley smiled. "Well, at least we are all safe and we have each other. And, Mommy, I love you and I'm sorry that the mayor hurt your feelings and I'm sorry that Duke is a bully." From the mouth of babes, right there!
Hadley and I cried together a few more minutes and she expressed several more fears that broke my heart. I kept my fears quiet and did my best to calm hers. I went to bed last night begging God to comfort my precious daughter and protect my family and my unborn child from this stress and anxiety. I begged Him to protect this pregnancy, as I already have a couple of strikes against me and I know this isn't helping. I prayed for peace and comfort for my family and for me.
I'd love to say I slept peacefully and woke up renewed, but that just wouldn't be the truth. I woke up with a heavy heart and I've devoted a lot of my day to choking back tears. I have faith that God is in control, I just really wish I could feel some genuine comfort and peace. In God's time...In God's time...